Sie ist weg... und ich bin wieder allein allein...

My sister is leaving tomorrow , and I'm so fcuking depressed .... Words are avoiding me....

I have received my university offer letter , yay !
The only problem is, according to them I'm 24! well, if they insist, no problemo amigo!

Iran... It's what "I ran" from.



p.s. First member of the family flew to AUS , curse is broken now.
p.s.2. Remember that IELTS? Well it didn't happen , registration and other stuff , now it will happen in 2 weeks from now. Did not study :S

I have just 1 month to get ready for IELTS (and of course from the scratch) :s
I pray for more gray cells in ma brain !
Wish me luck !

p.s. can't switch my accent from American to Australian in just one month , how about that ?! :s

To go or not to go... This is the question.

p.s.Australia

I'm not a good person. I'm not even a bad person.
Frankly, I don't think I am a person.

- Says who, that you can't wash your rug with a washing machine ? The only problem is , how to iron it now ?!!

I'm standing under a mistletoe , wondering if anyone would come...

Guys are all the same , in a weird way.

My heart is being squeezed so hard these days that I'm expecting a full glass of heart-juice any minute.

It hurts , or even worse , it "khurts"

Those who suffer the most , are the ones who don't know what do they want.

I'm still wondering , how come you called me on my cell from the garden , while you were sitting right beside me? How come one of you was not you , and if you , I mean , one of you is not you then who the hell is you ?!! I mean the other you , not the one that is you! SO you started to chase me while I was asking you to help me escape from you. I still wonder who was "you" and why were you not you in the other you.
Or maybe I was High ?!!

Every single tear that falls from my eyes every single day, will pray to make them feel the way they made me feel every single day….

She tore them up , ... finally... after all those years.
In the trash cans all around the city , now he shall exist.
May they Rest In Peace ..............!!!!!!!!!

No one can break me... They can just break my heart , but they can't break me...
Time to be tough !
and to be more strong than ever.
Shine is rising up again.

Jerk..!
Yeah that's what you are.

Thinking about the woman , who used to wear mini skirts and had black hair.
The one who used to lay on the bed and laugh loudly...
and then thinking about you who think about the woman who didn't use to wear mini skirts , or even skirts at all , and had no black hair.
The one who used to lay on the bed and cry quietly...
The bed under which lived a short snake , a short snake who used to shower daily and laugh for no reason...
Don't open your eyes... It's been years that there's no woman lying on the bed...
Even the snake is gone...
A track of it's dried saliva has remained under the bed...
I am gone too...
And no woman has black hair anymore...

Regret... of the lost calendar and the broken clock...
Staring at my picture reflected in the eyes of a woman who sold her soul to lust...
Remembering the child who wrote me philosophy...
and loved me...
There wasn't any untold words for you in my silence..
Except the bitter taste of the wall you made for me by your own hands..
Up to the sky ,... to infinity...
The woman...
The woman who trickled her tear drop on the ground....
The ground on which nobody existed...
The woman hidden in masks made of skin and flesh and blood...
Leave me alone.... I'm neither this nor that....

UNLOCK THESE SECRETS IN ME...

I won't survive this meeting , I won't survive this project , I won't survive this life , I am already dead.
Shall my soul rest in peace !

All I need is a Looooooooooooooooooong time remedy......

- Hey listen , I feel you had a strange sorrow in your eyes when I saw you just for a moment yesterday.
- Yeah...
- It is a strange sort of sadness specially when you some how enjoy the pain , you feel like a saint or Jesus or something.
- Yeah....
-I mean it's a physiological matter , when you enjoy the pain and ....
- Yeah....
.
.
.
(Yeah that's me....)

You can do it....
Yes you can...

My little sorrows
My big sorrows
Those which no one ever saw
Those which remained untold
Not even written
Those which will ruin me in the end
How strong they appear today.....

so embrace the flowers of fall
and remember the rain
which will ever weep over landscapes
wide and gray
and feel the rivers
flowing into the waters of life
through oblivion is a mightier water
so majestic, so cold,
so fathomless deep....

(Lacrimas Profundere - Black Swans)

55 minutes to Midnight and I'm still in the office.
Not a single cigarette left,
Not a single person to borrow a cigarette left,
Not a single resolution for not wanting a cigarette left,
So I'm leaving !

Then it comes to be
that the soothing light
at the end of your tunnel
is just a freight train
coming your way .......!

Old silent wounds
Hush.....
Hidden cutlet and cucumbers in brown bag
Six-months-old toothache and three-days-old ones
Smell of unforgettable alive wounds
Lack of fairness
Disgusting smell of shitty life
Hermes purse and PRADA shoes
Missing faraway sweetheart
Far away soul mate...
Memories of beach and beer in redbull bottle
Five pages of yellow letter in laptop bag and fear of not having stamps..
Killing meetings in fifth floor
Five aversion to five things
And sorrows of nothingness...
Today , .... Not much different than everyday....
Old age is on it's way....................

Your innocent hands
My colorful look
.
.
My still hair under a wind which has not blown in years...
Blue melody of a violin and the empty window
.
.
My silence
and a death which takes you away from me... slowly ...slowly..
.
.
Me
and the disgusting look of my people.....

My nails are black
so do my eyes
and this black ring
will keep your mind off of my black thoughts
.
.
and that's the beauty of it....

My life goes on
But not the same

Into your eyes
My face remains....

People Talk...
People Break My Heart....
People Leave...

He didn't hear it when she got to the main point , when she finally found the courage to tell him that she loves him.....
He didn't hear it , he got distracted.... A hot girl was passing by............

It feels bad to be hated.
Some one hates me here....


I tried so hard to be loved , but in the end...........

She doesn't like me the way I like her... and that's a bitter fact !

I don't want thongs , I don't want high heels , I hate tight cloths , I don't wanna put on make up , I don't wanna strain my hair , I don't wanna do my nails , I don't wanna smell like Dior , I don't wanna try to lose weight... I don't wanna try to look good , I don't wanna try to look wise and professional , I don't wanna sit in the meetings.... I don't give a shit to concepts of ERP... I don't wanna be part of technology.... I don't wanna analyze anything... I don't want this serious face , I don't want this fake smiles , I don't wanna give fake complements , I don't wanna care anymore... I don't wanna hide my feelings.............

But I do all these.... 'cause I'm a liar...

I just wanna put on my shabby jeans and creepy boots and my loose jacket , I want my hair to be wild and ruffled.... I wanna smell like my cheap Sandal wood perfume... I wanna walk into the woods and smell the rain... I wanna touch the trees and smell them all they long.... I wanna jump and run... I wanna dance like I've never danced before... I wanna cry with loud voice and not be embarrassed.... I wanna speak to my self loudly... I wanna talk to the plants and kiss them... I wanna love myself the way I am .... I wanna be free.......

But I don't do these..... 'cause I'm a liar...

I am a big fat liar...

ONCE SO SECURE....
AND NOW SO UNSURE...................................

I shouldn't be doing this
I shouldn't be doing this
I shouldn't be doing this
I
shouldn't
be
doing
this
Somebody stop me

I am a visitor of your eyes,
Shorter than a breath,
Longer than a life......

Loin très loin du monde
Où rien ne meurt jamais
J'ai fait ce long,
Ce doux voyage........

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away ,
mildewed and smoldering , fundamental differing.....

Roni
This is dedicated to you.
To you that I miss like hell... To you that I had my best time with... To khezershahr o darya sar.. to beach and drunken nights... To rain and us... To driving in rain and sun , day and night... To all the CRAZY things we did together... To all the laughs.... To the feelings I had and have for you... To Farmanieh ... To chips o mast!... To hiding from the others... To Botri bazi... To the smell of your perfume... To the softness of your hair... To the beauty of your face... To the tenderness of your hands... To you who left me here alone...

Have you ever experienced , when you dream that you're kissing someone (or something!) , from the morning after you have feelings for him/her/it ?!

Yeah , me neither !!!

HaYaaaaaaa!!!

"All was well."

Can any book be finished by a sentence more beautiful , and at the same time more soft and simple than this.....?

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the Hell I'm doing here
I don't belong here
.
.
.
.............Where do I belong anyway?

I need to be on a boat today , on the still blue beautiful arms of the ocean... I need to wear my bikini and sunglasses, I need to be lost on the ocean , I need to reach to a tropical island where nobody has ever headed,....
I need to have the island for my own , I need non of my technology stuff work , neither the cellphone , nor the transmitter , ...
I need to build a shelter for myself on the beach for the rains , I need to pick fruits for my food , I need to discover the jungle and caves , I need to plant my favourite things , I need to hear nothing but the sounds of ocean waves and song of rain,.... I need to be free of anything in this world and have the island for me,... I need to name the island after myself , an island which is not on any map , I need to be free and alone ,... with out anything special to do........

but instead all these , ... I'm sitting in my office , on a day which is not even a working day , listening to a crappy music which one of my colleagues has turned on too loud , and doing a difficult job which I don't even like... :(

Speaking of the Island, I can not deny that I am under the impression of LOST series :)

I like being a non stop Crazy Girl with my old God damn fuckin Style !
Don't know why, but it makes me feel good !
I count it as a complement ;)

[Although it kinda reminds me of Crazy Frog ! again don't know why]

I am happy today
I am proud today
I am today today...

Feels something in the middle... I am not dead , but not alive for sure...
The huge waves of tiredness takes me inside,...
All I need , is LONG time remedy....

My head is explorin.... Time is passing by, Still a lot to do,.. I'm so far behind of every thing , .... The more I run the less I reach...
I need a big help.
I need a big break.
I need to relax.....................

p.s: Roni where are you................

I wanna run away to a place where nobody knows my name.....
I wanna be alone.........
I wanna be free........
Free......
Free......
Free......

I feel NASTY inside..........

"When there's a will , there's a way"
And i found the way to my wills...........

p.s: I don't even know what the hell is this blog!!! I'm thinking of translating my main blog (My Own Nothingness) posts in this one.... yeah, may be I will Sometime....

Tomorrow is the "big day".................

Have you ever been that much happy that you can't understand whether you're laughin' or cryin'?! I was like this today!

I wanna thank the angles, the God, the Goddesses, my things (!), Them, or whoever made this day for me.
My prayers came true, Finally !!
and now I'm the happiest girl ever !

Yes! At last it came, i need it baaaad, so baaad, and now that I have seen it I know that how much I want it. I am used to get what i really really want, i have to get it, this is my life and it's just depending on them.
And today i pray!
I pray to get what i want, I know you won't disappoint me as you've never did before, Let me through in my new world.......
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh besides all stresses, i feel GREAT for just being there ......

I love you my Sweet Lord, just move a little bit of your pointing finger and everything will be done perfectly!

Yours sincerely

Sometimes I just feel like I wanna write in a different language, the way i sometimes think different , the way i act different, doesn't matter how creepy it would be, or how wonderful, it's just my thoughts in a different way!